There I was…lying in bed, balled up in the fetal position and crying my eyeballs out. He had hurt me to my core and yet, I couldn’t stop “accidentally” calling him. I couldn’t stop replaying all of the lies, all of the cheating and all of the times he’d hurt me over and over in my head. I couldn’t stop trying to figure out what I had done to deserve a pain like this or what I could have done differently to prevent this undoing of me.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop tossing and turning. And on the days that I’d almost succeeded in “forgetting” him, my phone would ring and I’d quietly hope it was him. I couldn’t stop wanting him to finally SEE me and LOVE me. But the more I tried to “get him” to love me, the more rejected I felt. The more I tried to seek closure from our break-up, the more broken I became.
My testimony didn’t begin with the heartbreak from the man described above. It began with the rejection of my biological father. Being born to a man who considered me a mistake has a way of “hindering” a someone in romantic relationships. Everything I grew to know about love was of a “works-based” mentality that forced me to believe, If I did__________ (insert any and everything I could imagine to get his attention), then my father would SEE me and LOVE me. And guess what? The more I tried to “get him” to love me, the more rejected I felt. Every relationship I had, including the one with my faith and God, was poisoned by the idea that I wasn’t good enough. So I had to work harder.
I grew up in church but even there I felt like I had to maintain a certain approval rating to be accepted. What they did not approve of was counseling or anything that required me to seek help outside of the Bible, or them. Counseling and therapy was for people who didn’t know God. Period. So when I struggled with brokenness and defeat, and prayer wasn’t working, I felt like I wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t doing enough. I attended all the revivals, alter-calls and healing services that I could but I was still suffering. Not to say that miracles don’t happen or that others can’t be delivered through these venues, but that wasn’t my experience.
In all fairness, it’s important to point out that when I had initially begun to seek healing, I wasn’t being totally honest with God. I would go up for prayer and seek healing for the man I was with but not me. I wanted God to stop my hurting by forcing this man to treat me right so that we could live happily ever after. However, that’s not how healing works and, thankfully, that’s not how God works either.
Through the Soul-Ties Detox process, God wanted to show me myself. Not just my reflection in the mirror, but the condition of my heart. I didn’t just end up in toxic relationships, I was shaped in them. It wasn’t enough to just identify and remove myself from those who hurt me in relationships. I had to understand why I desired love from people who would never love me the way I deserved. So I detoxed using the same process that many are going through today.
The Soul-Ties Detox Book is the FIRST of its kind, 5-Week program that will take you on a practical yet spiritual journey of recovery from broken or toxic relationships.