I grew up very poor in San Bernardino, CA with my African-American mother, my white Step-Father and my 4 brothers. Like many young girls in my neighborhood, my biological father wasn’t exactly as “PRESENT” as a little girl needed. No, he wasn’t in prison (Thank God). He was a Nigerian man who, 6-mos into my mom’s pregnancy, left to get his “real wife” that had been arranged for him in Nigeria. And like many other young girls who didn’t have their father around, I was born with a piece of me missing. It felt like a handicap but, even more cruel, my handicap had a choice. My handicap chose to leave me with this deformity. And like many little girls who grew up without their father, I journeyed through life 1) trying to FORCE my father to see my value and 2) feeling like I had to PROVE that I had value to anyone I came in contact with. Every subsequent relationship after my father, was impacted by my father. And THIS was the origination of my issues with Soul-Ties™ .
There have been countless articles, blogs, and sermons written about Soul-Ties™ and it has become painfully obvious that one of the reasons people still struggle with “Soul-Ties™” is due to all of the misinformation going around. MOST only talk about the impacts of Soul-Ties™ and NOT the source of them. Soul-Ties™ (whether they are emotionally healthy or toxic) have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with how we emotionally and physiologically connect to people, beginning with our childhood. Our attraction TO and tolerance FOR toxic love was shaped in us long before our most-recent relationship/divorce broke us.
The little girl who was molested by a close friend or family-member, the little boy whose mother was overly attached to him, or the little girl with the Nigerian father who abandoned her. All of them have a greater probability of attracting toxic love based on their childhood introduction to toxic love. The emotionally unhealthy Soul-Tie that I had was not to any influence that my father had over me. My Soul-Tie was directly connected to what my father was SUPPOSED to be to me, but wasn’t. I desperately wanted to be a daughter, so I had a connection to the rejection of who I thought I was supposed to be. This is why I could profusely dislike or despise my father, while at the same time, be emotionally starving for his love and acceptance. And then expressing that hunger for love and acceptance to men who had no idea how to love me and to men whose love would never be enough for me.
Here’s the beautiful thing, that I learned, and what my husband and I are on a MISSION to teach others…The toxic or emotionally unhealthy Soul-Ties that have plagued your past do not have to define your future. As faith-based pastoral counselors, we believe that it all begins with prayer, and then YOU begin the work. If, like me, you’ve found yourself in cycles of toxic relationships or you have a hard time understanding why you feel this addictive pull back to a toxic person over and over again, you can find freedom from Soul-Ties by learning how to redefine and receive healthy love.
Now in its second edition, The Soul-Ties™ Detox book will take you on a practical yet spiritual journey of recovery from broken and toxic relationships. Using ideas of guided journal therapy, while offering insightful teaching and gut-wrenching realness, we help you understand that their tolerance for toxic love was shaped in you long before THIS relationship broke you —and then you are guided through a journey of acknowledgement, acceptance, accountability and forgiveness. Learn More Here